Guza @ soapcentral.com

I know I just wrote about how fed up I am with this whole Karpov storyline (and don't get me started on Sonny being all "Drugs! OMG!!! We may be mobsters who shoot people but DRUGS ARE TEH EVOL!!!!111"). I believe I said something along the lines of, "The only mobster I want to see coming to Port Charles is Lorenzo Alcazar returning from the dead."

 

And now there's the news that there's yet another mobster joining the show, and no, sadly, Ted King is not coming back. It's Vincent Pastore of the Sopranos! I'd say someone shoot me now, except with the current mob climate on GH, somebody just might take me up on that offer.

 

As if the "My Something" commercial wasn't annoying enough, now we're going to have to see this guy on a regular basis? *headdesk*

 

Oh, Bob Guza. If I wanted to watch the Sopranos, I'd rent the DVDs. How out of touch with your audience can you get? Oh, yeah, more mobsters and less Genie Francis (A few weeks of Laura is not enough!!!), that's what the viewers want... Grrr.

 

The only bright side to any of this is that Pastore is playing Max and Milo's father, which I can only hope means more screentime for Max.

So on today's GH we found out, after all that rigamarole, that Carly is not pregnant. Which, um, is good news, I guess, because that means that a) there's no chance it could be Sonny's, and b) we won't have to sit through Carlybabes pawning off another baby as Jason's, since it turned out so well the first time. This ending, however, left me with a severe feeling of WTF. Why would Guza and his minions put us through all that torture only for her to end up without a bun in the oven?

 

I had a strong feeling of WTF to begin with, when I first read about this new and original *insert eyeroll* storyline in Soap Opera Digest. I was beyond pissed off that they were going to copy the 1998 story. IMO, it totally erases any emotional growth Carly might have had after Michael's shooting, even more than the disastrous limo sex. Laura Wright is easily one of the best actresses in daytime, and I feel like every time they give her this same old crap, they're severely underusing her and limiting the potential she has to make Carly more than just a slutty, annoying, dumb bimbo. (And I don't say those negative words lightly, cuz I love me some Carly.)

 

I think one of the biggest things that pissed me off were the quotes from Bob Guza in SOD.

 

"A flummoxed Carly spontaneously spins the lie that she is pregnant, it's Jason who is the father. 'This is where it gets a little comedic,' grins Guza."

 

Comedic? After the gruesome deaths of Georgie and Emily, Michael's coma, and the loss of poor little baby Carjax, I always suspected that Guza found GH viewers' suffering comedic. How is this man still head writer? Grrrr.

 

Also?

 

"'This was not a coincidence,' explains Guza regarding this particular plot point. 'This was deliberate. It was an interesting excercise to see how the character has changed since then...'"

 

The hell? One, it's not interesting. And two, she hasn't changed at all since then, apparently, SINCE YOU ARE WRITING THE SAME FRICKING THING. *steam coming out of ears*

 

And now thanks to Sonny's big mouth Jax is suspicious that Carly slept with Sonny. If I were writing General Hospital, I would use this as an opportunity for Carly to tell Jax that she did, indeed, have dirty nasty unprotected limo sex with Sonny. I'm sure Jax would be pissed, and probably want to leave, but then they could talk it out (Couples therapy? Too bad Lainey's been taken off contract...) and eventually make the decision to stay together. I believe that they truly love each other, and while Carly's certainly flawed, Jax is no saint either. But of course I am not writing GH and I foresee Carly lying to him some more, followed by Carly and Jax breaking up and Carly and Sonny getting back together for the umpteenth time. Sickening.

 

As for the rest of today's episode... Jerry took my beautiful Johnny hostage, and when Johnny turned the tables and attacked that sick fuck I was really hoping that would be the end of Mr. Craig but, alas, no such luck. There was like thirty seconds of adorable Lucky & Sam interaction, and maybe, maybe, just possibly Robin might be going to come around to letting Patrick near her precious child, which is good, because she's been driving me crazy lately with the hypocrisy.

 

We had more of that obnoxious Dr. Matt Hunter, and so far I don't see what the big deal is. I know the actor was supposed to be part of some fabulous supercouple with Kirsten Storms on Days of Our Lives, but I just don't see the chemistry yet. He's just a boring Dr. Patrick Drake 2.0. Give me Spixie any day. I'm serious. Please, please give me Spixie. (Damn you, Guza, damn you.)

 

P.S.- Loved Jason today, and his "Next time leave me out of the tangled web that you weave, Carly." So true. Brought back some memories, though, as my dad used the tangled web quote a lot on me when I was in high school...

The internet is ablaze with criticism and anger over Guza's idea of "punishment" for Michael. And I don't just mean SOC message boards. But then again, many of the people who commented on EW.com and other sites discussing the article are or were members here. So the number might not be that big. But I too have had enough. I haven't watched regularly starting with the MC stunt and now, I think I will make that permanent. As someone posted in a very striking and honest post (on a site I can't remember right now), we are the ones who created this monster (Guza).  So I've decided that my viewing in any kind of way (a small peek here and there) will no longer feed this monster. And please don't take this as being a prude and thinking violence has never been a part of soaps. I know it has. But Guza and his vision is just a whole other thing that does not and never has not belonged in soaps or in television in the way he describes it. I certainly hope this increase in uproar is the beginning of the end for this hack. If ABC can't see from the angry sentiments just how a mess this show is, then I just hope GH is once and for all put out of its misery fast and quick before things get worse

Every fan down in Soapville liked Christmas a lot......
But the Guza, Who lived in Southern California, Did NOT!!

The Guza hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, his leather jacket was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been
that Christmas didn’t revolve around precious Jaseen.

But, whatever the reason, his head or his hitman
he stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the soap fans.
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Guza snarl
at the warm lighted windows beneath in Port Charles
For he knew every fan down in soapville below
was busy now, waiting for their great yuletide show.

"And they're waiting for their story" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Guza fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"

For, Tomorrow, he knew...
...All the soap girls and boys would wake bright and early.
They'd rush for their remotes! And then! Oh, the Joy! Oh, the Joy!
Joy! Joy! Joy! That's one thing he hated!
The JOY! JOY! JOY! JOY!
Then the fans, young and old, would sit down and watch for a while.
And they'd SMILE! And they'd SMILE!
And they'd SMILE! SMILE! SMILE! SMILE!

They’d smile for the families. They’d smile for the vets
Which was something the Guza just never could get.
And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every fan down in Soapville the tall and the small,
would stand close together, with nurses and candy stripers leading
They'd stand hand-in-hand, as Alan Q did some reading.

And he’d read! And he’d read And he’d READ! READ! READ! READ!
And the more the Guza thought of this Q-Christmas-reading,
The more the Guza thought, "I must stop this darned thing!"
"Why, for more than ten years I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop this Christmas from coming!

...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE GUZA GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

He hated the story that Alan always read,

But reading is hard to do when you’re dead.

So the Guza decided to make the fans weep

By killing the wonderful man during sweeps.

 

"I know just what to do!" The Guza laughed (such a racket)
And he made a quick Saint Jasus beretta and jacket
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Guza plan!”
With this coat and this gun, I look just like the hitman!"

"All I need is a reindeer..." The Guza looked around.
But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Guza...? No! The Guza simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog, Jill. And he tied a big horn on the top of her head.

THEN he loaded his pen and some heart attack pills
on a ramshackle sleigh and he hitched up old Jill.
Then the Guza said, "Giddyup!" And the sleigh started down
toward the mansion where the Qs lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Qs were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
"This is stop number one," the old Guza Claus hissed
and he climbed to the roof, with some pills in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney, a leather-clad blob
But, if Jason could do it, then so could old Bob.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue,
Where the little Q stockings all hung in a row.
"The Quartermaines,” he said, “are first things to go!"

Old Guza, he smiled as he hatched out his plan
With his poisonous pen he concocted a man
Who was crazy enough to blow up a hotel
Give Alan a heart attack, and then when he fell
The fans they grew silent, something just wasn’t right
And the Guza, he laughed with all of his might

For not only would Craig get away with his crime.

“Let’s put him on contract! Give him Alan’s airtime!”

Now Alan and Justus and AJ were down

Lila long gone, Ned and Dillon left town

Guza pointed at the stockings “Eenie Meenie Minie Moe

Little Emily Q is the next one to go.

She wanted to be like her dad! What the heck!

We’ll end the next sweeps with a noose round her neck”

And Q-ville grew silent, but the Guza wasn’t done.

For the Quartermaine mansion was stop number one.

Up the chimney he went, and he hopped in his sled

“What other beloved can I make very dead?”

The crowds were defeated. The Guza could hear it.

But what could Bob do to crush their last spirit?

He needed someone sweet, noble, innocent ...PURE.

But where could he find one in a town full of whoores?

He almost forgot her, but then cackled with glee.
For what could be sweeter than Little Georgie?

Little Georgie-Lou Who, who was not more than twenty- two. (or twelve if you don’t count the SORASing)
The little Jones girl who was born on the show

That one last good girl he could not make a ho

“By Frons!” Guza said, “This girl’s got to go!”

 

And he let out a chuckle in spite of himself,

As he knew that the hospital would lose its head elf

And Lulu would be the most wonderful teen

And Georgie’s tiny airtime could go to Jaseen.

 

And he snuck up behind her with nary a sound

But Georgie was smarter, and she turned around

She stared at the Guza and said, "Guza Claus, why,
"Why am I going to die? WHY oh WHY?

I understand that you don’t like me so much

And that’s why I’m stuck serving coffee and such

Send me to college, or send me to Dillon

Or send me to tend to great grandma who’s illin’”

And Guza felt faint and he started to shake

The girl made him think and now his brain ached

“It makes too much sense! Get out of my head!”

And he killed her himself and left her there dead.

The pain of thinking made Old Guza sneer

As he stomped to his sled, and Jill his reindeer

“Two Quartermaines, and the girl with the brain

What else can I do to cause some more pain?”

And Jill’s face lit up and she started to glow

“I know!” cried the woman “More newbies on the show!”

 

And they made some Zaccaras, and more pointless nurses

Ignoring, of course, the audience’s curses

The soap fans were beaten and tears filled there eyes

“Who are these people I don’t recognize?”

There was no speck of hope that he left for the viewers

No vets and no families! Christmas went down the sewers.

No hospital party! No more Christmas story!

GH was a shell of its great former glory!!

Back up to his cave at the top of the hill

On his ramshackle sleigh, with his damned sled dog, Jill

And they called up old Fronsie and and gave a hello

“Yo Fronsie, get up here! We’ve ruined the show!”

“We’ve ruined their Christmas! The girls and the boys!”

“We’ve killed all the holidays! They have no more joys!”
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
then the fans down in Soap-ville will all cry Boo-Hoo!"

"That's a sound," grinned the Guza, "That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And the Guza put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at soap-ville! The Guza popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every fan down in soap-ville, the tall and the small,
was smiling! Without any families at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Guza, with his Guza-feet ice-cold in the snow,
stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came with out Jonses! It came without Audrey!"
"It came without Quatermaines, and hospital parties!"
And he puzzled three hours, til his puzzler was sore.
Then the Guza thought of something he hadn't before!

"I didn’t kill Christmas. I feel like a boob.”

“You can’t kill the reruns that live on Youtube!”

All the soap fans in Soap-ville, the tall and the small,

Stood hand in hand as if answering a call

And on their computers read old Alan Q

“Merry Christmas, Dear Guza, and from the fans?

SCREW YOU!!!”

Guza you luza

You have got to go

You have totally destroyed

Our favorite show

We are sinking in ratings

And going down quick

No more violence! End the mob!

We are so sick of it!

Tell a new story

 Create a new thought

Use the veterans that we love And make stories that rock

An Aussie Spy, a mother in her catatonic state

Are life blood to this genre not Too old to participate

We love Mo and Steve, they are great too

But not every day in each story, It's gotten so tired.

They even look bored, Will that get you fired?

The #1 soap you know who they are,

Uses vets of all ages, every day, Y&R

The stories are diverse, not a shot every breath

It's about love, and family Not the mob and death

Please fix my GH Please fix my story

You re-told "Tink-Boom" on Friday, And the second time was boring.

 

WE WANT VETS! SUPPORT GH HISTORY!!!!