Kissing @ soapcentral.com

Disclaimer: I read the terms of service for this site and am not quite sure if this crosses the line in terms of being obscene or vulgar, I hope not because while some of these are true stories this is meant to be in fun. While this entry does not get explicit it is (obviously) about various sexual acts. Do not read if you are sensitive about this subject, think it could be too much information, or do not have a sense of humor about what happens in bedrooms, cars, and kitchens.

One of my friends has inspired/helped me to compile a list of rules of sex etiquette, or "sexiquette" if you will. He has pointed out that this makes him sound like my pervy springboard, but it's actually that we were talking about something else entirely when the subject of weird things that happen during sex came up. Some of these breaches of "sexiquette" either he or I had first hand experience with, others have been related to us from friends, and some are just ones we randomly thought up. Which ones are which we leave up to the vivid imaginations of readers!

1. All relations must be consensual on the part of all parties involved. No means no. Being unable to say no (e.g. unconscious, intoxicated or animal) does not under any circumstances equal "yes."
   
2. As far as a woman is concerned, foreplay is never optional.
   
3. Saying, "Let's have sex" or variations thereof does not by itself constitute foreplay.
   
4. Kissing needn't stop just because foreplay is over and the "main event" has started.
   
5. Don't just lie back and watch your partner put on a condom (unless he gets off on doing it himself). Help him out, keep yourself involved in the fun.
   
6. Telling your partner how they measure up (body-wise or performance wise) to any of your exes is bad form, unless of course you tell them they're the best you've ever had!
   
7. If your partner is groaning with pleasure one moment and dead silent the next, keep in mind the distinct possibility that you may be doing something less than right.
   
8. Tom Petty lied, the waiting can sometimes be the best part.
   
9. Don't assume that just because you like a certain thing (like a tongue in your ear or pulling of hair) that your partner will be wild about it as well.
   
10. When in doubt, use lube.
    
11. If you believe oral will be involved at any point, make sure it's a lube that doesn't taste horrible.
    
12. When trying out a new sexy outfit for the first time, practice also taking it OFF. This will save time in case your partner can't quite figure it out.
    
13. On a similar note, if a partner is stripping you and has a difficult time trying to take off your bra/pants/etc., it's far more productive to help them out than to sit back and laugh at them.
    
14. Be considerate of others who might hear you guys getting it on, unless you (and your potential audience) are into that kind of thing.
    
15. Don't leave your partner in bed while you go read Shakespeare (or anyone else for that matter) moments after climaxing. That's just wrong on so many levels. Possible exception to this is getting out love poetry and reading it to your partner, but otherwise, don't even think about it.
    
16. If you're horny enough to proposition your partner while a sporting event is being broadcast, turn the TV off or at least don't keep looking back at the screen whilst in the throes. That's just weird.
    
17. If there are animals in your house, make sure you close the door before getting it on. Making love and suddenly feeling a dog licking your face doesn't do it for most people, and most people don't like that kind of... oh, bygones...
    
18. If you wake up horny in the middle of the night and your partner is sound asleep, it's very impolite to wake them up for sex.
    
19. Should you ignore #18, at least have the decency not to put your partner in a position where THEY have to do most of the work.
    
20. When having oral sex performed upon you, if you have even the slightest inkling that you might need to pass gas, inform your partner immediately. A few seconds' interruption while you go to the washroom and come back will be significantly less distracting to the overall mood than a direct hit of a fart in their face.
    
21. Be careful when consuming garlic, onions, coffee, asparagus, heavy spices, or excessive amounts of animal products shortly before romancing your partner. They can not only affect your body odor, but also the taste of your, erm, secretions. Also be wary of beans to avoid #20!
    
22. Never bite another's genitals without asking, not even gently. Very few people like the feel of teeth on their naughty bits, unless of course your partner's theme song is the Masochism Tango.
    
23. Similarly, never let your hands, tongue, feet, or other probing organ touch a partner's anus without having previously established that they are okay with this.
    
24. Again on that note, never involve urine, feces, blood, or third parties unless explicit consent has been expressed prior.
    
25. Yelling out another's name during sex is probably not a good idea.
    
26. When getting down and dirty in a car, be careful to avoid hitting armrests, windows, steering wheels, or the horn. And for heaven's sake don't do it while one of you is driving!!!
    
27. It's also quite impolite to take a piss scant seconds after completion of a blow job, whilst the fellater is still watching
    
28. Soft moaning in a partner's ear is hot. Loud screaming in their ear is not.
    
29. Don't come in your partner's face if they are wearing contact lenses.
    
30. If a woman is having sex during her period, inform your partner of this beforehand, be thoughtful and put a towel under your bum to prevent staining the sheets. And if your partner is male, never, EVER let him see you take out your tampon. Unless he's weird and is into that sort of thing...
    
31. It's proper to cuddle after sex, but don't be offended if your partner falls asleep. Think of it as their way of saying, "great job!" And don't expect intellectual or deep conversation immediately following coitus.
    
32. When using handcuffs or other restraints, make sure the key is in a safe place and never cut off circulation.
    
33. Only clean fingers with trimmed fingernails should go into another's orifices.
    
34. Be careful when biting/scratching/sucking, and do not do this in places where it could leave a mark that would be visible when partner is fully clothed, particularly the day before they have an important meeting at work.
    
35. No kissing after the mouth has had genital or anal contact unless both parties have agreed upon it beforehand.
    
36. If you have roommates/flatmates, be considerate and don't have sex in the common areas, particularly not the kitchen, and particularly not on the kitchen table.
    
37. Turn off all cell phones, pagers and other electronic devices before getting your freak on. And don't start a heavy petting session when you know the pizza you guys ordered is due to arrive soon.
    
38. No tongue kissing when you've both just woken up and probably have morning breath. Mouthwash first, please.
    
39. Swallowing is always preferable to spitting. If you must spit, do so discreetly into a hanky or something, don't be obtrusive about it.
    
40. Be careful and don't LITERALLY rip off clothing, especially if it's nice dresses or expensive suits.
    
41. Don't attempt to have cyber-sex while other people are also on instant message with you. It's rude and there's too much potential for the wrong box getting your dirty thoughts sent.
    
42. Know the difference between your partner's body language/noises/facial expressions for extreme ecstasy and extreme discomfort or pain.
    
43. If you make the mess it's only fair you clean it up: e.g. put the sheets in the washing and hang them out to try afterwards, wipe things up off the floor, et cetera.
    
44. Be careful when removing condom in order to avoid spillage, and be careful when tossing it (e.g. not just in the general direction of the wastebasket). Should you breach this rule, see #43.
    
45. When incorporating chairs, tables or other pieces of furniture, make sure the surfaces are stable, lest you two wind up in a heap on the floor for all the wrong reasons.
    
    
    

I was shocked and appalled when I saw the episode of Luke and Noah kissing, how dare you take a wonderful soap opera and make a mockery of it. I have been watching the show since I was 12 years old and I am now 63. It is bad enough we have to see this on most of the television shows that come on but to see it on a soap opera. Next you will be having Luke and Noah in a sex act. This is the only soap opera I watch and I would like to continue to watch it, but if you are going to put this kind of garbage in it, you will be losing a long time fan.